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Boris helps out with England selection
By Will 3 months ago, 1 Comment »
Sorry for this, but I’m bored and can’t sleep. Inspired by Patrick’s far more grown up attempt, but then again he is considerably older than me. Boris was talking to Geoff Miller
Hello. Boris Johnson. Mayor of London; celebrity; all round good bloody egg. Look at my head! I’ve got a dead cat on it. Now, then. What am I doing here?
Yes, good to meet you Boris. Delighted to have you on board.
Are we on a ship? I had a boat once. I used to play with it in the bath.
Well done. Now then, news about Freddie isn’t good. Looks like he’s going to miss the South Africa series, too.
Non tali auxilio nec defensoribus.
Pardon?
No tally ox, or something. It’s Latin - makes me sound diffident and worldly. I’m the Mayor of London you know.
Yes, we know, Mr Johnson. Are you going to contribute to this selectors’ meeting or not?
Yes. No, no no, yes absolutely. I am here, I am listening and I am the Mayor of London! Ahh, bloody marvellous. I don’t tire of that at all. Non tali auxilio nec defensoribus. Defensoribus…reminds me. Buses. Bendy bastard buses - must sell them off to the private sector. <scrawls “phone Ken - sell buses” on arm>
How can we get Flintoff fit again?
Cycling! Cycling is is is is is very, ah, very ah. It’s very ah, that’s what it, what it, what it is. Tell him to cycle. Did wonders for my campaign. And Dave’s, too. Davey Cammers, or fuck-knuckle as we enjoy calling him.
Not good for the joints, cycling…particularly his hip. I’d wager he needs to do some more swimming.
Yes, swimming. Bally good idea that man. Come and work for me. Hello - Boris Johnson here. Mayor of London. <cups hands into loudspeaker> Vote Boris! Vote Boris! Down with Kenny; up with Bozzo!
You’re already London Mayor, Boris.
Am I? So I am! Defensoribus, defensoribus, I like cheese and defensoribus. Now then. Where’s Botham and Gower - let’s pick them. Good, London types.
Botham was from Somerset
Who?
Somerset
Some of what? Set?
No, it’s a county.
Ah, county. I own one of those I think. Daddy ahhh, errrr, yes, he bought…well, not bought. I say bought, I suppose stole would be a better term. Yes, Herefordshire or some such bally place. It’s not London though, is it?
Quick word about Steve Harmison. I’m still utterly unconvinced about his
Is it?
No, Boris. Herefordshire is not London.
Excellent news. Defensoribus, defensoribus, I like cheese and defensoribus.
So, that’s settled then. No Flintoff, no Harmison. We’ll opt for plenty of cheese, a non first-class county, a dead cat, and defensoribus as the key strategy to taking down the Aussies next year.
I’m the Mayor of London!
1 Comment »Geoff Miller has two sides
By Will 7 months ago, No Comments; be the first!
Geoff Miller has replaced David Graveney as England’s chief selector, in a new role known as National Selector. I know very little about Miller, other than the odd snippet about his career and that he watches masses of county cricket. But although he’s 55, he’s clearly young at heart and down with da kids. Here he is, for example, talking in the third person:
“There are two sides to Geoff Miller. One of them is deadly serious, one has an entertainment side. I’ve been involved in England selection for seven years and David Graveney and I have been involved in making some pretty tough and harsh decisions.”
Chris Eubank would be proud.
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