…what posts would they take in the British government?
Prime Minister – Michael Vaughan
Sorry Strauss. Vaughan has a more Blairite public face with Yorkshire steel propping up his policies. Universally respected; peace envoy to the middle east already a certainty.
Deputy Prime Minister – Andrew Strauss
No Blair/Brown ego wars here. Strauss would never turn the job down if offered, but second in command suits his style.
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Matthew Hoggard
We need someone thrifty from Yorkshire to keep a tab on taxes and mortgage rates. Yearly budget speech guaranteed entertainment.
Secretary of State for Defence – Mike Atherton
Rock solid. Nothing’s getting past that. Get out of my sight, outswinging terrorists; this is Lancashire’s finest.
Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, First Secretary and Lord President of the Council – Alastair Cook
Mandyesque smarminess required. Mandyesque smarminess found. God-like aspirations will fall on deaf ears, as will all his policies.
Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs – David Lloyd
Everyone would love him.
Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor – Bob Willis
All derelict houses to be turned into prisons. Anyone not capable of an upright seam sentenced to five years labour making cricket balls. All umpires to spend seven months in solitary confinement on evidence of a “truly shocking” decision being made.
Secretary of State for Health – Andrew Flintoff
Just one of his roles. Expected to offer cheerful assistance to PM on most matters, and spend the other half of his time supporting Lloyd on foreign trips.
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport – Paul Collingwood
You’s culture can fuck off, and that media – we’s all about the sport.
Attorney General – Geoffrey Boycott
Don’t mess.
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs – Steve Harmison
Has you’s tasted these potatoes what our mam grown in garden?
Secretary of State for Wales – (Simon Jones 2003-2005, nearly deceased). Robert Croft
Potentially too nationalistic but reliable and economical.
Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families – Steve Harmison
Ah, mah wee bairns – ah loves you’s all.
Any others?
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In the current climate, that health secretary would be certain to leave parliament at the next election, in disgust at having to life without any lucrative expense claims…
Totally agree, brilliant post.
Will, there are millions of bottles of alcoholic hand gel lying around offices. No need for expense claims…