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England’s 2009 celebrations in full
By Will last year, at the end of August Add your comment below
From the always-witty Alany Tyers:
Those Ashes Celebrations In Full
ANDREW STRAUSS: Busy night for the young dad skipper: doing up shoelaces, wiping noses, checking everyone had been for a wee. Surely it’s now time that other batsmen took some responsibility with their preparations for a night out?
STUART BROAD: Showed terrific temperament and all-round composure in dealing with hard-to-eat meal of crab followed by spaghetti and ordering difficult-to-pronounce wine from snitty waiter. Blotted copybook slightly by showing dissent when bill arrived.
JONATHAN TROTT: Found in street belting out national anthem (and mouthing words uncertainly during those tricky Zulu and Xhosa bits).
ALASTAIR COOK: Keeps making same basic errors at every night out: turning up in trainers when everyone knew it was ‘smart but casual’ and ensuring the group can’t get in anywhere; having to phone girlfriend every half an hour to reassure her he isn’t up to no good; being very boring when talking to a group of attractive women so they all leave…
PAUL COLLINGWOOD: Workmanlike fancy dress outfit (Your Basic Comedy Mexican) could not disguise modest overall contribution to night out.
MONTY PANESAR: Invited along for karaoke skills but “didn’t get a lot of assistance from the microphone”. Surprisingly effective on quiz machine; keeping team in it against the odds on quickfire round of Deal Or No Deal.
GRAHAM ONIONS: Absent; Steve Harmison nicked his ticket.
JIMMY ANDERSON: Started evening strongly but slumped incoherent in corner by closing time.
RAVI BOPARA: Cockiness ensured considerable female interest in nightclub and used pick-up lines successfully on some rather homely girls; panicked and spilt drink down himself when attractive ones turned up.
IAN BELL: Looked great, but struggled to really dominate the conversation and was reduced to going “Ha ha ha… yeah” and repeating what other people had just said.
MATT PRIOR: Stunned team-mates and punters alike by carrying tray of drinks back from bar without dropping and turning out to actually be a good bloke to have around.
GRAEME SWANN: Cheeky chappie, great all-round effort: booked stripper, provided comedy moustaches, got his round in, chatted up a hen-do. Suspicion that he might fall just short of being top-class entertainment manager.
KEVIN PIETERSEN: Absent; at home watching Police Academy VI on ITV4, eating oven chips. Texted to say he was having brilliant time in Bungalow 8 with Lamps, Jude Law and Clive Rice.
ANDREW FLINTOFF: Quiet meal with nearest and dearest (i.e. took Steve Harmison to Pizza Hut).
STEVE HARMISON: Became distressed by proliferation of “fancy foreign food” in Pizza Hut; got cab back up to Ashington.
Tags: 2009-Ashes, alan-tyers, ashes, england, funny, the-ashes |
2 Responses to “England’s 2009 celebrations in full”
August 27th, 2009 at 11.49 am
August 27th, 2009 at 12.52 pm
Blissful Alany as ever – wielding his comedy hatchet brilliantly (will even forgive him his lack of appreciation for Ashington’s Premier Pessimist). Broad’s dissent was absolute tops
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