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    Sep 5, 2008

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    Boris helps out with England selection

    By Will 4 months ago Leave a comment on this post

    Sorry for this, but I’m bored and can’t sleep. Inspired by Patrick’s far more grown up attempt, but then again he is considerably older than me. Boris was talking to Geoff Miller

    Hello. Boris Johnson. Mayor of London; celebrity; all round good bloody egg. Look at my head! I’ve got a dead cat on it. Now, then. What am I doing here?

    Yes, good to meet you Boris. Delighted to have you on board.

    Are we on a ship? I had a boat once. I used to play with it in the bath.

    Well done. Now then, news about Freddie isn’t good. Looks like he’s going to miss the South Africa series, too.

    Non tali auxilio nec defensoribus.

    Pardon?

    No tally ox, or something. It’s Latin - makes me sound diffident and worldly. I’m the Mayor of London you know.

    Yes, we know, Mr Johnson. Are you going to contribute to this selectors’ meeting or not?

    Yes. No, no no, yes absolutely. I am here, I am listening and I am the Mayor of London! Ahh, bloody marvellous. I don’t tire of that at all. Non tali auxilio nec defensoribus. Defensoribus…reminds me. Buses. Bendy bastard buses - must sell them off to the private sector. <scrawls “phone Ken - sell buses” on arm>

    How can we get Flintoff fit again?

    Cycling! Cycling is is is is is very, ah, very ah. It’s very ah, that’s what it, what it, what it is. Tell him to cycle. Did wonders for my campaign. And Dave’s, too. Davey Cammers, or fuck-knuckle as we enjoy calling him.

    Not good for the joints, cycling…particularly his hip. I’d wager he needs to do some more swimming.

    Yes, swimming. Bally good idea that man. Come and work for me. Hello - Boris Johnson here. Mayor of London. <cups hands into loudspeaker> Vote Boris! Vote Boris! Down with Kenny; up with Bozzo!

    You’re already London Mayor, Boris.

    Am I? So I am! Defensoribus, defensoribus, I like cheese and defensoribus. Now then. Where’s Botham and Gower - let’s pick them. Good, London types.

    Botham was from Somerset

    Who?

    Somerset

    Some of what? Set?

    No, it’s a county.

    Ah, county. I own one of those I think. Daddy ahhh, errrr, yes, he bought…well, not bought. I say bought, I suppose stole would be a better term. Yes, Herefordshire or some such bally place. It’s not London though, is it?

    Quick word about Steve Harmison. I’m still utterly unconvinced about his

    Is it?

    No, Boris. Herefordshire is not London.

    Excellent news. Defensoribus, defensoribus, I like cheese and defensoribus.

    So, that’s settled then. No Flintoff, no Harmison. We’ll opt for plenty of cheese, a non first-class county, a dead cat, and defensoribus as the key strategy to taking down the Aussies next year.

    I’m the Mayor of London!

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    One Response to “Boris helps out with England selection”

  • Tote Cricket King wrote:
    May 25th, 2008 at 12.46 pm

    Hhhmmmm.

    Not really sure what to say really…

    Boris is a funny funny man. Will on the other hand should possibly stick to serious reporting!

    Still, i think Boris could do a better job than some of the current selectors. Lets see a serious Boris interview next time - now that would be entertaining.

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