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By Will last year, at the start of May Leave a comment on this post
Has anyone else listened and watched Sky’s advertisement for their all-consuming coverage this summer? It’s fronted (for want of a better word, as it’s a voice over) by Mike Atherton. Now then. Athers is many things, but a voice-over artiste he is not. He sounds about as enthused as a prisoner who’s just been told that, yes, today he is allowed one hour of sunlight as opposed to the usual 45 minutes.
Athers recites Rudyard Kipling’s If and it’s as sickly and inappropriate as it sounds. (not Athers’ fault of course, but Sky’s ferocious marketers)
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!
Incidentally I came across some viewing figures on the Beeb yesterday which make make interesting reading. I put them on CI…will dig them out later.
Tags: bskyb, if, Mike-Atherton, Rudyard-Kipling, sky |
A cringingly awful poem. I much prefer Alan Partridge’s succinct version: “It’s like that Rudyard Kipling poem If; if you do X, Y and Z then Bob’s your uncle”
Why does Sky always need to build up its coverage as if it is some gladiatorial contest? Give me the slightly effete Soul Limbo and AR Lewis being jolly any day.
You’ve now prompted me to recite the first paragraph/stanza/thing of Kipling’s syrupy nonsense in the voice of Alan Partridge. It works well, too. Partridge voices are a clear favourite at CI HQ, a close-runner to Tony Greig and Bill Lawry. Does the Times desk have an impersonator-de-force?
Good point re Tony Lewis. He, much more than Benaud, epitomised summer for me. Bunking off school to watch the opening few overs of the first Test, introduced with that hushed, rather nervous greeting, but always hopelessly enthusiastic in spite of the rain or England’s dire situation. Bring back Tony I say.
It can be done well though - I remember the sainted Des of Lynam giving a great reading of it during the 98 World Cup. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjuihw2q_Ts
World Cup of football, that is.
Hey, it’s not that bad a poem. Compared to that rubbish that the Ashes poet was trotting out, it’s gold.
Very poor. That’s a BBC Sport idea, done with far greater style I expect (not having seen the Athers version) by Des Lynam a few years back.
All that money isn’t buying Sky creativity.
Apologies - Neil’s already made this point.
Excuse me, but in 1995, which was but yesterday, the nation voted “If” as its favourite poem of all time. It was a clear winner, polling more than twice the number of votes of the runner-up. It is a masterpeice of literature, filled with noble sentiment. So I can only conclude that it is Athers’ rendition, or Sky’s rampant commercialism, that ruins the experience . . .
“Do you like Kipling, Your Majesty?”
“I don’t know. I have never kippled.”
Heck, the nation also voted Princess Diana as the third greatest Briton of all time… I’m not sure I trust the nation’s judgment sometimes.
OK, it’s not a horrid poem but it is far from being Kipling’s best and is oversentementalised. But it is also still some improvement on the hideous gladiatorial “fire rising from the earth as Kevin Pietersen crouches naked” nature of Sky’s Ashes promotion. Just show us some cricket highlights - that’s all we need to get us watching.
Nice touch with the Wodehouse, Caroline
On kipple,
yeeeesssss, well maybe now you point out the Diana thing . . . As for KP crouching naked!?? Wow - you really do have to put up with some crap, don’t you!
Thanks for putting a name to the quote Patrick - I couldn’t remember who was responsible for it.
Just something interesting. I just saw Stephen Colbert interview Conn Iggulsden (I think I got the spelling right), co-author of soem book about how to raise boys. One of the things he said was that he included a couple of poems about growing up, one of which was If, by Rudyard Kipling. I just thought I had to include that tidbit of information.
Reasonable poem, if too long. Atherton’s delivery dreadful. Barmy idea from Sky.
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