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How to deal with a British bank
By Will 3 years ago, mid-February Add your comment below
Nothing to do with cricket, but too good not to share.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1– To make an appointment to see me.
2– To query a missing payment.
3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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8 Responses to “How to deal with a British bank”
February 18th, 2007 at 5.43 pm
February 18th, 2007 at 9.28 pm
Got to be NatWest. After banking with them for four years, and not receiving statements for a year, they told me I would have to travel from Scotland to Wales to change my address, which I’d already done 14 times, as they claimed they did not have my signature on record. Amazing how I opened the account in the first place without one.
Did anyone hear you can legally demand back all penalty fees from your bank, citing that they were unfair?
February 19th, 2007 at 12.32 am
Tell us more, Angus, immediately! Does crossing over into your overdraft x dozen times count as a penalty fee?
February 19th, 2007 at 3.15 am
There was something about it on BBC news back before Christmas. There’s a legal loophole. Under your rights, you can demand all your statements, look at all the charges, and say, ‘That’s not fair’. They will try and put you off, but legally, if you persist, they have to refund you. Better speaking to a lawyer friend about it.
February 19th, 2007 at 4.21 pm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6169539.stm
Gives you all the info plus links to Word documents you can download, fill in and send to your bank to claim your charges back!
April 27th, 2007 at 7.16 am
[...] So, anywayz, chanced upon this post: how-to-deal-with-a-british-bank [...]
May 5th, 2007 at 1.54 pm
Bank Charges are unlawful,
If you have been a victim of unlawful bank charges then speak to Vivian Roux or a senior dept member regarding your penalty charges.
Abbey National customers only
Tel: 020 7600 1200
or speak to one of the legal team on
020 775 64398
Get your money back fast from the Abbey
May 8th, 2007 at 9.48 am
Ha ha – an excellent letter! On a serious note, look at http://www.odwyercollier.co.uk – they undertake to get 100% of your bank charges back for you! worth a look at their website at least?
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