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    Ashes stars in your office

    By Will 2 years ago, at the end of November Leave a comment on this post

    Michael Tormey, Tom Noble and Nick Place write:

    Flintoff: (Warehouse Stock Coordinator): If he ever has a day off sick, the place will fall apart. Or to use a cricket analogy: if he doesn’t take all the wickets and score all the runs, it’s just not going to happen.

    Harmison (Creative Director): Big reputation, big salary – has to be carried by rest of the team.

    Watson (IT Manager): Offers key solutions to all problems but keeps crashing. Hamstrung by software problems.

    Warnie: (PR Director): Always on the phone, always spinning something, always out for long lunches. A genius. Regularly embarrasses himself at the office Christmas party.

    Pietersen (New Business Manager): The young bull, poached from rival company, who can star on occasions but ego might be a problem.

    McGrath (Production Line Manager): The 70-year-old manager who just can’t let go and you know what, is still better than the kids out of uni trying to take his job.

    S. Clark (Assistant Workflow Manager): Not rated, hangs around in the warehouse, and you suddenly realise he’s been singlehandedly holding contracts together for the past 12 months.

    Langer (Accounts): Accident-prone 67-year-old veteran with a head for figures. Refuses to retire. Somehow keeps up with changes to GST and other tax legislation. Likes martial arts.

    Martyn (Retail Manager): The irritating but smooth bloke you’re always trying to get rid of but customers love him and he sells just enough to keep his place.

    G. Jones (Office Assistant): The PA you feel a bit sorry for because he has no idea, but the boss likes him and will give him time to develop. Who knows? He may even make a competent middle manager one day.

    Lee (Sales Executive): The face of the company with a big laugh, a flash car and charisma to burn. Does he ever sell anything? No idea.

    Ponting (Managing Director): There were early question marks over his commitment and longevity in the company, but he’s matured and now is responsible for more than half the company’s turnover all by himself, while also managing the office.

    Giles (Assistant Marketing Manager): Been at the company for years, nobody likes him, nobody rates what he does. Must have compromising photos of the boss to keep his job.

    Vaughan (CEO): Allegedly in charge but hasn’t been seen around the office for months. His shadow remains.

    Bell (Accounts Manager): The university graduate with the Rhodes Scholarship who has now been with the firm for more than a year, lords over the blue collar workers but is yet to actually deliver when it matters.

    MacGill (Marketing Manager): Annoying worker who wants to be PR Director but can’t get a shot at the job. Request for office car and phone rejected. Attends Anger Management courses.

    Panesar (Intern): Always smiling, keen, energetic, model employee. Strangely overlooked for promotion at every turn.

    Hair (Company Secretary): Recently retrenched (suddenly). Last seen being led from the building by security.

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    12 Responses to “Ashes stars in your office”

  • Scott wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 4.49 am

    Hot damn… thats a good one!

  • Tony.T wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 5.07 am

    I’m Mark Waugh. Impeccably tidy desk, quietly and successfully going about his job. Suddenly disappears when he’s had enough.

  • S Jagadish wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 5.11 am

    Brilliant stuff! Linked from Cricket 24×7 along with another blogger’s post on similar (India-centric) lines a few days ago!

  • Kathy wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 6.07 am

    Funny but some bits quite wrong. The thing about Giles is that everybody DOES like him. The same with GO Jones.

  • Jayesh wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 6.31 am

    Hey is it just a coincidence that this post looks a bit similar to a post I had written about Indian cricketer type personalities in an office setting?

  • Will Davies wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 10.39 am

    I thought Australians normally work in HR for two years, make endless bad jokes about the weather, then head home because their visas expired. Or have I missed the point?

  • Jeremy Freeman wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 11.35 am

    This is hilarious and spot on!

  • Aditya Kuber wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 11.43 am

    I like this. And also the one by Jayesh… good stuff. Maybe we could do one for the Australian team… what say?

  • Wraye wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 12.17 pm

    you forgot two…

    Hoggard - warehouse retail officer - the one who almost unnoticed plods on, answers the phone, write the letters, get the goods out on time, makes the tea.

    Cook - new boy in the office, excellent qualifications from BSE, dead keen and serious, but still struggling with the company software. Has still to learn the arts of scivving and passing the buck.

  • Wraye wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 12.27 pm

    Troy Cooley - Treasurer in disgrace - popular with the workers for creative accountancy, less so with the management despite showing a profit. Caught embezzling. Currently serving out his conviction in the south.

  • Caroline wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 1.24 pm

    Good, but I don’t think Bell exactly “lords it” over anyone.

  • Will wrote:
    November 29th, 2006 at 5.38 pm

    I can’t claim ownership for this…it was forwarded to me by a colleague in Australia. But it’s still brilliant.

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