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By Will 3 years ago, at the start of November Add your comment below
The ICC have today released a code of conduct for backyard cricket…
1. GENERAL RULES
1a. Can’t Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco
dickhead a reprieve. Smart-ar*e batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep;
which becomes interesting when smart-ar*e bowlers use it to hone their beamer.
1b. Caught Behind (auto wikky): Since no one has the desire or the reflexes to
stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant
dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.
1c. One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a
batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential to
the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised
with a minimum of players. Note that this rule only applies when the fielder is
holding a beer in their other hand.
1d. No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is
to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the
crease as is test driving a Zimmer frame.
1e. Six And Out (Then Fetch It): Introduced to combat space and energy
restrictions. It’s rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler living
alongside a pack of Rottweilers.
1f. Standard Over: All veteran backyard bowlers know that the standard length
of an over in backyard cricket ranges from anything between 10-12 balls. You
only relinquish the bowling duties when questioned by any fielders or opposing
team members. But only after the standard response of “Two to go” or “Get
F*cked”.
2. ESSENTIAL ITEMS
2a. Esky: Strategically placed at the bowler’s end, the esky is the shrine, the
fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it holds the beer.
2b. Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there’s always some
smart-ar*e who delights in tonking them over the fence (see rule 1e).
Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more
swing than Austin Powers.
2c. Dog: Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball,
including those that disappear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is
that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The
upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards.
2d. Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but
in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.
2e. Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle,
it’s usually of 1980’s vintage with a single scoop, with a fake signature of
Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.
3. CODE OF ETHICS
3a. Stumps: The game draws to a close when,
i) Your host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out of gas,
ii) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it disappears down the drain
(not withstanding rules 1e and 2c),
iii) You can’t get that batsman out with any type of bowling pace or spin, or
iv) Your girlfriend cracks the sh*ts and wants to go home because you “become a
f*cking idiot” when you hang around with your mates.
3b. Flower Damage: Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that
you have just topped your girlfriend’s petunias. Somehow, the universal threat
of a week-long drought bonds the male species.
3c. Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and
offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat prompts sh*tloads
of laughter, and the usually triumphant “Get me one while you’re at it you
f*cking retard!”
3d. No Running Between Wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist should know
this phrase, “The words fun and run don’t go together.” Just ask Arjuna
Ranatunga. Besides, how the hell are you supposed to run in thongs?
3e. Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no,
but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a
couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow
with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they’re chopping wood, and they
bowl as if throwing left-handed. And they can’t handle yorkers.
Still, someone has to make the salad.
Thanks to Tim for the email
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Tags: backyard-cricket, code-of-conduct, cricket-australia, ICC, spoof |
Love it! It’s spot on. The bit about the condition of the bat had me rolling round on the floor. Similar rules are needed I feel for the student halls of residence favourite ‘Corridor Cricket’ to end those arguements into which even game inevitably desends. At least we won’t have to worry about that in the backyard anymore. At last evidence of common sense at the ICC.
P.S. Bring back Richard Ellison/Mark Davis for the Ashes
Dear Will, next time I meet you, you are gonna pay for that salad remark. Oh boy! Slapped wrists and you get the first beers in 
The words girlfriend and cricket are mutually exclusive. When I was playing backyard (or in my case Gorrell Tank; named after the car park of the same name) girls wouldn’t be seen dead with a teenager who played cricket. This would have been the late 70’s early 80’s and I accept (nay, hope) things may have changed since then.
Does anyone remember the Duncan Fearnley bat Bob Willis used to have with holes drilled into it - I made one of those, then painted it cream and added brown pinstripes to make it look like a quad scoop.
Actually bat fashion is worth a post all its own; way before the advent of Woodworm you had the single scoop, double scoop, quad scoop and then Slazenger and Newbery developed shoulderless bats like the WG and Excalibur (I believe Lance Cairns used a shoulderless bat) that looked more like baseball bats than cricket bats.
Newbury were very innovative at the time and developed a bat called the Merlin which had a counterweight in the handle.
I think the bat that changed it all for me was the SS Jumbo; it was an absolute railway sleeper of a bat. Up until then, most bats I’d tried had been very light indeed but this thing was an absolute beast. My friend had bought one and it was a monster to use; it had a handle like a … well have you ever seen a horse described as “coltish” before…. you’ll know what I mean.
The thing is that it was fine when you were playing straight bat shots but as soon as I tried to get the cut and pull out it weighed a ton. Fine if you’ve got forearms like Popeye but if you’re a 15 year old 10 stone weakling like I was…..
Anyway, as far as I was concerned, the Jumbo spawned the V12 which had the middle of a Jumbo but the pick up of something considerably lighter. Basically the principle of batmaking in the 1980’s was to put as much wood at the centre of gravity as possible, taking it elsewhere from the bat. Symonds made a bat called the Tusker that was very similar to a V12 but was made in the subcontinent using Kashmiri willow
I remember well discovering this harder form of the beautiful wood, I bought a non oil Gray Nichols powerspot which only cost 40 quid and with which I hit my first ton (yes it is better than sex). These days I use mainly a Slazenger V600 although I never pay full price for a bat, I wait until the end of the season, even if I don’t need one and pay £50-60 for one.
Goodness, how I have waffled on…….
Talking business, Sean! I use a Slazenger 800 with a sweet spot like honey and have an untried Readers Ladies bat waiting for it’s winter outing planned for 18th November at the Bochum Indoor tournament. Never scored a ton yet though 
You’re quite right, bats are important.
It used to be very important as a kid to be aware of who was using what. The single scoop, moving through to the Powerspot was synonymous with stroke-players, lead by Gower.
Gooch and Botham, Duncan Fearnley Magnum and Attack respectively. Greenidge used to use that Symonds for his square cuts, but you could never find them in the shops. It was almost a mystical bat.
Never trusted anyone with a Gunn + Moore (all change there now), and of course the SS Jumbo. I too had one of those, believing it would turn me into Viv Richards. I could do no more than a passable impression of David Capel.
I’ve only scored two, Wraye. The second was with my V600 but I’ve not scored one for five seasons, but I’ve been 91 not out twice since.
I hasten to add the amended code of conduct above was not my own work but Tim’s…
Talking of bats, I remember in the early 80’s Bob Taylor was the figurehead for a new range of cricket equipment from a company called ‘Pony’.
I can only guess that Taylor, being from Derbyshire, wasn’t aware of the cockney rhyming slang…
I’d also guess that sales in the South/East London area were sluggish, to say the least…!!
I imagine that Pony reflected Bob Taylor’s batting style perfectly
Go, Sean, go! Maybe we will both get there next season, mate 
you know the old magnum by duncan fearnley how much are they worth and are they worth using
(i got it off my uncle)
As recently as the mid-80s, before the days of sports megastores selling good quality tennis balls for not very much, you often had to rely on your local newsagents or General Stores for a supply of balls. As I recall, ‘Royal Court’ seemed to be our marque of choice as these were the best available, although they would hardly pass muster nowadays. As for the elusive Symonds Tusker, they’ve been re-released at Quantum Cricket. A retro special version of the SS Jumbo is also available on the Surridge website, although it’s a bit pricey at 200 notes.
My Millichamp & Hall (classic design with green vertical stripes) was an awesome bat. Scored a couple of tons with that one.
My first ton was with a bat that was made (rebadged) by a cricket retailer in wood green, north london, whose name I’ve forgotten. Great bat, that one. I think it was a hunts county one.
My current blade of choice is a newbery mjolnir; big blade but light pickup. top banana.
Love the blog, i’ve bookmarked it!
Oz.
Back to the code! Has the “Three bat handles or out” rule been repealed or are we playing to an outdated code?
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