Postcards from the Sledge (3 of 10)

Oh, c’mon Will. I know you’re a pom, and therefore have an understandable bias, but three anti-Aussie cards in a row? From a nation that has to rely on a crowd of hooligans to sing to rattle the opposition? Leave the sledging to the experts mate.
From my blog, earlier this year (actually prompted by a Nel v. Gilchrist clash):
1. “You’ve just dropped the World Cup mate.” – Australian captain, Steve Waugh, to Herschelle Gibbs (South Africa) after Gibbs dropped a simple catch off of Waugh in the last match of the Super Six phase of the World Cup in 1999. We went on to win that game, and the Cup, knocking out the South Africans in the process.

2. Rod Marsh (Aust.) and Ian Botham (England): When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”

3. Daryll Cullinan (RSA) and Shane Warne (Aust.): As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted. There’s a back story to this – they despised one another. Warne got Cullinan out so many times that Cullinan ended up seeing a psychologist to try and deal with the effect that Warnie was having on him. In fact, by many accounts, he ended up retiring early due to Warne. Which leads to:

4. “Lets see if we can’t get you back on that couch mate” Warne to Cullinan as came out to bat. Briefly, as it turned out.

5. Merv Hughes and Javed Miandad (Pakistan): During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: “Tickets please”, Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes and Viv Richards (West Indies): During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.” Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say ‘fuck off’.”

7. Ian Healy’s legendary comment, which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga (Sri Lanka) called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney… “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cuunnt!!!” Ranatunga was a fat wanker. Australians hated him, because he played so far outside the spirit of the game. He was a good batsman, but way overweight – a major handicap, especially when running between wickets in ODIs. He used to continually fake injury and call for a runner – always the fleetest team member – in order to stay at the crease. It infuriated the Asutralians, and caused a lot of bad blood.

8. Yet another Australian witticism with Arjuna Ranatunga again the victim: Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the fat prick to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”

of course, sometimes they fight back…

9. James Ormond (England) had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh : “Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England” JO : “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.” (Mark being the brother of captain Steve Waugh, and a talented player in his own right).

And an all-time classic at number ten…

10. During the controversial Bodyline series of 1932-33, the English captain Douglas Jardine was said to have visited the Australian dressing room to complain bitterly to his counterpart Bill Woodfull that an Australian player had called him a bastard. Woodfull turned to his team and said: “Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?” Didn’t happen on the field, but masterful sledging nonetheless.

I wrote this about six months ago. I know I got some from a couple of sites (did a search at the time for specific wordings, I remember that), wrote some from memory, and had some dictated verbally by a mate who loves this stuff. Some have been doing the rounds for years – it’d be hard to attribute them to a website – they’re the stuff of legend, so who had them first? Fact is, the ones you came up with are OK, but the list was my personal top ten – and they wouldn’t make it.

Chips on our shoulders?
We resemble that remark….

Wraye – none taken mate. You’re right, some sides are just better at it. I love a well thought-out sledge, but – as I alluded to – just can’t understand the English obsession with singing at sporting events. Is it to compensate for poor sledging? It’s just not the same if it’s not coming from an opposing player.
The Sarwan one is OK – but perhaps a bit too easy: Pigeon is very sensitive about his wife, because she’s been so sick. As far as sledging goes, fair game I suppose, but it lacks real style!
Check this out for truly bizarre sledging: http://content-www1.cricinfo.com/columns/content/story/245024.html
A Canadian Sikh mate of mine had a dim memory of this, without specifics. He remembers it causing absolute chaos at the time.
As an aside, a bunch of mates and I came up with my list over the course of last summer here. The ball started rolling when Graeme Smith tried to gain the upper hand whilst here for that ridiculous World XI Test, then continued throughout the summer. In the end he just looked like a bigger tool than he – clearly – is. I reckon his predecessor, Shaun Pollock, is a superb cricketer, and appears to be a good man, but Smith just comes across as a wanker. He copped a hiding from everyone here. Then, when we toured Sarth Efrica, Nel tried to get in on it (but all quicks are psychos I suppose), and Gilly carved him up – prompting the formalisation of ‘The List’.

in regards to the Rod Marsh And Ian Botham sledge Botham replied ” the wifes fine, the kids are retarded”….genius