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    Inappropriate umpires

    By Will 2 years ago, mid-April Leave a comment on this post

    Ah, the umpire. A bastion of respect and authority, standing static at the top end of the pitch. We curse their decisions and mock them when they do an irish jig to avoid a bludgeoned four, but they remain the game’s “final word”. Without them, carnage would ensue. Which got me thinking…

    Who would be the most inappropriate umpire? My top ones so far are Basil Fawlty, Baldrick from Blackadder and the dodgy geezer from the Fast Show (”I’m a little bit wehhhh, little bit woooaaah. I’ll nick anyfink, me”).

    Of equal hilarity and shitness would be various political leaders past and present: Hitler (although he’d clearly enjoy giving batsmen out, with that salute of his), Stalin (twat), Churchill (drunk and disorderly) and Blair (clown, egocentric, wouldn’t enjoy lack of spotlight).

    Oh God, Blair really would cock it up spectacularly.

    And yours?

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    5 Responses to “Inappropriate umpires”

  • Wraye wrote:
    April 20th, 2006 at 10.42 pm

    Marlene Dietrich
    Marilyn Munroe

    can you imagine the boys getting themselves out for an after-match conference with these girls?

    Or any major religious leader “Thou hast not sinned, my son?”

  • Pratyush wrote:
    April 20th, 2006 at 11.55 pm

    You don’t have to look beyond cricket David Boon I say. Could he really stand 4 minutes without beer?

  • Wraye wrote:
    April 21st, 2006 at 8.42 am

    The Marx Brothers - Karl and Groucho ;)

    One would give all players out LBW on 10 to fulfil socialist ideals and the other would give out leg before bat. :)

  • Rob Cornelius wrote:
    April 21st, 2006 at 6.59 pm

    How about the one armed man from the fugitive. Though wides would be a bit tricky to signal

  • Alan R wrote:
    April 22nd, 2006 at 9.52 pm

    I think G.W. Bush would be pretty disastrous as a cricket umpire, since rather than reading the laws he’d just make up rules as he went along.

    Lt. Columbo would be a tough umpire, too: “That was a magnificent delivery. You know my wife’s a big fan of yours. Really, she thinks you’re the best bowler playing today. That 8-wicket haul you took at Lord’s 2 years ago was truly spectacular. And with this delivery you totally had the batsman fooled. Hit him right on the pad without a touch of the bat. You don’t think it was to high, though? No?… Ah, you’re probably right. I’m sure it was going to clip the top of middle stump… I’m sure you’re right… Oh, just one thing… You see that little mark just outside the line of leg stump?…”

    Paris Hilton also comes to mind: “Oh my God. I’ve been standing here for like 2 hours. I’m going to get vericose veins… How’s that? How’s what? How should I know if he was out? I was looking at that guy’s butt. He’s so cute. You don’t think he’s gay do you? I mean he’s kind of been ignoring me…”

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