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Loading ...Gimme Devon Malcolm.
Gimme a tailender
By Will 2 years ago, at the end of January Leave a comment on this post
It’s perhaps a bit disconcerting that I should admit this, but what the heck. I find the current India / Pakistan series completely dull and utterly arduous. I’m not actually watching it - more’s the pity - but, by all accounts, it sounds like a dreadfully painful match. I want Ashes cricket and I want it now. I want Steve Waugh to be grinding a hundred; Mike Atherton to scratch out one of his even uglier innings; I want Merv Hughes to spit at Peter Such, and laugh at his pathetic attempts to get bat on ball; in fact, I want a return to genuine tailend batsmen.
The loss of tailenders has been a disaster to cricket. They are now a rare beast, lurking among the local leagues around the world. For the lower-order batsman playing for their countries, they can now either hold up and end or score relatively freely. WHAT? I didn’t sign up to that, thanks very much. What about our tailend heroes? Tufnell, Such, Fraser; Hughes, May, McGrath; Walsh, Ambrose, Benjamin. And, of course, Danny Morrison, although his record-efforts of saving a Test (correct me if I’m wrong, which I usually am about anything historical) do edge him out of the class of a genuine muppet.
I want these back. I don’t want super-slick, multi-dimensional, do-it-all (and B&Q) players. I want batsmen that can bat brilliantly. When the batsmen roll their arms over, I want them to do a Bob Willis impression (his bowling action, not his suicidally-dull voice) and make a fool of themselves. Nevermind if they concede 12 or 30 from the over - give us some chuffing entertainment and stop taking it all so seriously. And I want brilliant bowlers; bowlers who couldn’t bat even if they had weekly training sessions with Boycott and Bradman. I want them to fall over, ideally on their stumps, or on their arse, with predictable regularity. Make them look foolish, and give the fans what they want!
Not a clue what I’m on about, but perhaps it explains my dislike of cricket’s new found “slick” and shiny and business-oriented nature. Graham Gooch, when he did his Bob Willis impression, had me in fits. It wasn’t that funny, in actual fact - it just demonstrated cricket’s ability to be bigger than just a game; for there to be interesting and funny parts to the days play. Tailenders were apart of that (”Way hay, it’s Such and Tufnell! Here. We. Go!”). Nowadays, the emphasis is on etching out as many runs as possible, an admirable statement of intent - and one I admire especially when England play - but let’s not forget cricket is a game, and everyone involved should treat it as such.
Tags: boring, courtney-walsh, curtley-ambrose, dull, excitement, Faisalabad, fools, funny, india-in-pakistan, muppet, peter-such, phil-tufnell, tailenders, vb-series |
31 Responses to “Gimme a tailender”
January 24th, 2006 at 5.08 pm
January 24th, 2006 at 5.15 pm
Yeah, I know, I missed out Dev!
January 24th, 2006 at 5.27 pm
Will..I understand the sentiment, and most of us on the subcontinent share the same…after watching everyone and his dog give the impression of a classical batsman in this series (so far)
I just hope you are not referring to Irfan Pathan, though 
January 24th, 2006 at 6.29 pm
How bout Alan ‘Olympic Rings’ Mullally? A bunny by any other name, but oh how we cheered at the MCG when he smacked McGrath back over his head for three successive boundaries and England go on to win by 12 runs…
January 24th, 2006 at 6.47 pm
Look at the different coaches various teams have, nearly all having an eternal love for the bowler who can bat a bit, especially Bobby Woolmer and Duncan Fletcher, given these two stay in their respective jobs for a while (which is likely) then it’s pretty certain we won’t see many Devon Malcolms or Fazle-Akbars playing for England and Pakistan in the coming years.
January 24th, 2006 at 7.18 pm
We have got a geniune tailender and he is Dhanesh Kaneria.
January 24th, 2006 at 7.23 pm
Danish is pretty comical tailender, but not quite in Fazle-Akbar mould, he is a legend, could barely differentiate one end/face of the bat from another.
January 24th, 2006 at 7.33 pm
The thing is at least in test cricket taking wickets is still the most vital aspect. So a superb bowler will always be preferred to a not so superb bowler who can bat a bit. However, modern bowlers want to develop their batting as well to add utility to their team/secure their international career to an extent.
So we find the legendary tail enders disappearing.
January 24th, 2006 at 8.01 pm
Will we ever again see a line up like this one that faced New Zealand in 1999.
Irani at 7, Caddick at 8, Mullally at 9, Tufnell at 10 and Giddins at 11.
Arguably the worst lower order in history! Do we really want to go back to the days of 5 out all out?
January 24th, 2006 at 9.38 pm
Oh I forgot, going by reputation, England might bring a genuine tailender to India in Monty Panesar…I guess Will you would be rooting for him, although for his battins skills!
Pratyush, you should read the articles around the ’should we pick Monty’ debate. All of them say that he’s undoubtedly a very talented spinner. And all of them go on to mention that his meagre batting and fielding skills are counted against him. And this is test cricket we are talking about.
January 24th, 2006 at 9.59 pm
Amen.
January 24th, 2006 at 10.57 pm
I think it was Geoff Boycott commentating on Devon Malcolm: “when Devon comes out to bat, the groundsman starts to get the roller ready.
“… and the problem for England is that Phil Tufnell comes in after Devon Malcolm …”
Another tailender story: my mates were at the Griffin’s Head in Adelaide when they came across Alan Mullally, seeking directions to a local restaurant. My mates helped out, and as he was heading off, one of them recommended the duck …
January 25th, 2006 at 4.19 am
Worma, there is no test team in the world which picks bowlers because they can bat a bit. It is a futile policy for test cricket. Sunil Joshi would never make the Indian test team above Anil Kumble because he could bat a bit.
January 25th, 2006 at 6.14 am
When Warney is on song all of the English batsmen look like tailenders. Ok, maybe a decade ago that was the case.
Bring back Daryl Cullinan - he looked like a genuine tailender against Warney.
January 25th, 2006 at 8.34 am
what about Harmison then? Either out like lightning or smacks a few boundaries to add salt to the wound. You just never know - and that’s where the real fun lies 
January 25th, 2006 at 10.36 pm
how bout da man, Courtney Walsh! The best damn tailender in the history of tailenders
January 25th, 2006 at 10.46 pm
Aaaah the memories this brought back:
Curtly Ambrose striding to the crease, holding the bat rather like you or I would hold a matchstick, swinging it wildly a few times, then wandering back to the pavilion glaring at it as though it was the bat’s fault he just made a duck.
Mike Holding commentating on Mullally after a particularly suicidal attempt to get down to the non striker’s end “It looks like Mullally has gone Doollally” (I think he liked this one - I have also heard him use it at least twice since while Mullally has been bowling).
There is however hope - I think both Monde Zondeki and Australia’s “Dopey” Dorey hold plenty of tailender potential.
Cheers
January 26th, 2006 at 5.21 am
well.. you should have seen danish kaneria and moe asif in the test match..
danish managed to put on a great tailender show by shouldering arms to a ball that uprooted his off stump..
and younis khan and afridi bowled with the new ball.. afridi managed to bowl faster than the indian seamers..lol..
January 26th, 2006 at 5.04 pm
Zondeki has a test half centuty, against England, I saw that innings, he isn’t that bad.
January 26th, 2006 at 7.30 pm
I absolutely agree, Will, and I haven’t even been watching cricket long enough to have seen the vast majority of the guys you were talking about.
One of my favorite things playing village cricket was when one of our batsmen would bowl. Actually, as a wicketkeeper, that was a bit of a workout for me. Let me rephrase: It was when the opposition would send in a batsmen to bowl. Even better was when Skip would take my gloves and have me bowl what was supposed to be frustrating leg-spin but what was more aptly described by one of my teammates as “right-arm no-ball.” Cricket is a game, it isn’t a war. Who didn’t like it when Harmison fell over this summer and got stumped by about eight miles? Who didn’t like it when Gilchrist was yelling at Michael Clarke “Get one for the part-timers, Pup!”?
Other than the laws (because every wicket is 22 yards and you can never be out LBW if it pitches outside leg…although in the village, both of those can go either way from time to time as well), weird eccentricities (”right-arm weird eccentricity” would be another way to describe my bowling) are what tie every level of this wonderful game together.
-JR
January 26th, 2006 at 10.20 pm
Has everyone forgotten about Bob “Dutchy” Holland from Australia? A true tailender. According to these stats he was a better batsman up the order but never scored more than 10 runs in an innings.
January 26th, 2006 at 10.56 pm
Will, it sounds like you’re getting a bit too excited about it all.
Perhaps a little lie down is in order?
January 27th, 2006 at 1.42 pm
I think Harmison undoubtably comes into this category. He sometimes scores like lightning - his 42 in South Africa a few winters ago was hilarious, and he top scored the innings - but he never looks comfortable doing it. He looks like he’s chancing it; like someone who’s lied their way into a job, and is now trying to bluff his way through his first meeting.
Plus he fell on his arse during the Ashes, one of the top five comedy dismissals of the series (the others being Warne’s charge down the wicket at Gilo, Michael Clarke shouldering arms to Simon Jones and getting castled, Bell padding up to the slider, and Geraint Jones’ catch off Strausses knee).
I’ve got high hopes for Panesar, certainly. I think they should also get Pietersen to bowl more often, if just for comedy purposes.
January 28th, 2006 at 8.37 am
Oooh and I remember when Boonie took a wicket against Australia A - I believe the unfortunate batsman might have been Phil Emery. The crowd didn’t really know who to cheer for with Australia v Australia A, so Boonie’s wicket was just about the highlight of the night …
January 29th, 2006 at 4.49 am
Really this tour of Indians to Pakistan is anti climax. But still Karachi is going to be the deciding factor. With green top unlike at previous two venue, it is going to produce result. also the track record on this venue speaks for itself. so beware Indians.
January 29th, 2006 at 10.15 am
The award for most irrelevant comment goes to…miami paradise
January 29th, 2006 at 10.16 am
Alex - yes re Panesar. Apparently he’s improved his batting. But regardless, it’ll be entertaining for us tailend fans.
January 29th, 2006 at 10.19 am
Just one more…Chris Cairns’ slower ball to deceive Chris Read in (1999?). Ah, that was a wee beauty, even for me - and England supporter. And although Read isn’t a foolish tailender, he was made to look like one. Never has a career been ended in such a public display of farce as when he was bowled, DUCKING A SLOWER BALL! Makes me chuckle just thinking about it, but then I am high on my nurse…
January 29th, 2006 at 10.44 am
Get off your high nurse, Will …
Although, I actually got the impression you were under your nurse …
January 29th, 2006 at 4.15 pm
Tail end fans should have a look at Asif’s innings today, he’s not that far from being an abosolute rabbit, although Kaneria who survived two balls to remain 0 not out, also comes close.
April 25th, 2007 at 10.23 am
Irfan is an excellent allrounder!
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