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Becoming a citizen of cricketland

By Will 3 years ago, mid-November Leave a comment on this post

Last week, we here in Britain heard that new British citizens - or those wishing to live on these shores - now face a 45-minute “British citizen test,” which I can’t help finding hilarious. Not the actual test - I think it’s a good idea, frankly - but the thought of what questions could be asked. I’d definately want the new people to know all about Del Boy, and his phrases - as well as having indepth and worryingly accurate knowledge of Fawlty Towers. But I’m here to talk and write about cricket, so I won’t bore you with my political views. Or of my favourite TV shows.

I digress. It was Hammy who brought this to my attention in his Frugal Bastard blog, in which he said:

If they made it compulsory to know the national anthem then I think most of the people settled here [in Australia] already would get the boot. Many of us could tell you that Shane Warne took 1-150 on his debut. Or that Peter Brock won the Bathurst 1000 a total of nine times. Or that Sir Donald Bradman’s test average was 99.94, which is the post office box of the Australian Broadcasting Authority in capital cities in Australia.

So, if there was a country called Cricket (God forbid!), what questions should be asked of potential citizens? Let’s draw up 10 “must know” facts about the great game….over to you.

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27 Responses to “Becoming a citizen of cricketland”

  • nick wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 2.05 pm

    the original name of the googly, and the inventor’s name.

    The infamous comeback to “Why are you so fat?”

    Easy ones to answer for us lot but we’re all loyal citizens, and probably have been for years (certainly in my case). If I met someone and they could answer those I would buy them a beer and bore tham about cricket for a good few hours (compulsory in cricketland).

    I think perhaps better criteria would be the ability to hold an enlightened discussion about given criteria.

    eg
    Pollock (G) vs. Richards (B)
    Holding (M) vs. Roberts (A)
    etc…

  • Richard wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 4.17 pm

    an explanation of the LBW law

  • Zainub wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 4.56 pm

    Cricketland? I was thinking of something more grandeor , like

    The Most Serene Republic of Cricket
    or The United States of Cricket
    or The United Kingdom of Great Cricket

  • Jess wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 4.57 pm

    All the ways to be out

    (Good one for pub quizzes, too)

  • Will wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 5.05 pm

    “United”? No way. England and Australia “united”? India and Pakistan “united”?! Cricket Kingdom, perhaps though…

  • Zainub wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 5.32 pm

    One of my favorite cricket brain teasers of all time is regarding John Tracious (spelling?) - the only test cricketer who played for 2 countries (SA, Zimbabwe) but was born in neither (Egypt)….I think so.

    Coming to think of it in our cricket country, we could have a national book, and that would be the Wisden Quiz Book, the one by Steve Lynch - I never miss out on his Ask Steve columns. The Stump Bearders by Bill Frindall aka the bearded wonder on the Beeb are also one of my must check out columns.

  • Will wrote:
    November 8th, 2005 at 5.44 pm

    Steven’s very helpful…he helps me a lot wiv me gramma!

  • Hammy wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 12.19 am

    Thanks for the quote and plug.

  • Hammy wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 5.34 am

    What’s the highest score by a debutant? And name him. R.H. Foster with 277 I believe.

    First person to claim a hat-trick in Test cricket? Dunno myself.

    When will Richie Benaud give the microphone away? Please.

  • Chris wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 7.17 am

    The law on the use of substitute fielders. Should filter out any Australians seeking to infiltrate the English game and bring it down from the inside!

  • hammysmum wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 7.19 am

    If I were to try for citizenship in Britain, and had to answer cricket questions, I would fail miserably. I hate cricket!

  • Chris wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 8.12 am

    Ahh, just realised this is a new nation and not just good old England. This raises the issue: who will rule cricketland? A junta of the elite umpires? A monarchy with Billy Bowden on the throne? How will we stop a coup d’etat by disgruntled specialist wicketkeepers?

  • Wraye wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 11.09 am

    Cloning is the answer, Chris. We should have the good old Dr Grace for king because he was such a bastard, negotiated nothing and always got his own way. Keith Miller for prime minister because he got things done and knew how to party.

  • Abraham wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 11.16 am

    Now,
    Being a cricket fanatic myself, I’m yet to come across a more crazy, yet so fascinating an idea as cricketo’land ! I say we go for it ! And there’s no better father figure to our new found land than Bradman, I believe ! No guys, dont get at me… I aint an Aussie ! Don was god !

  • Abraham wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 11.24 am

    oopsie…. did i mess up my first comment ! dunno wot ! any ways…wont mind puttin together tht first blog once more for our cricketo’land…
    I was suggesting a father figure for cricketo’land … Sir Don Bradman. yet again lemme c… I aint an Aussie, jst in case there’s a flare. I think he was god !!!

  • Zainub wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 12.47 pm

    No, I suggest we should have Imran Khan is the PM, if Fazal Mahmood was alive though, he would have got my vote ahead of Imran.

  • Chris wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 12.59 pm

    “Cloning is the answer, Chris”…

    Ooh let’s clone Boycott, put him in a room with his cloned self and watch them argue themselves to the death!

  • Wraye wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 1.04 pm

    Right, I can live with that. Imran for PM, Boycott in the Foreign Office, Bradman as Finance minister.

    Citizenship question: who is the only England captain with a double-barrelled name?

  • Chris wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 1.06 pm

    Let’s put Warne in the Home Office, just for a laugh!

  • malcolm wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 2.20 pm

    Let’s face it the problem with a place called cricketland is that not enough people would want to live there. Even after our glorious Ashes triumph I’m still coming across people who just don’t think the game is exciting…. So come on, everyone, what do we tell the unbelievers about the game that can turn them on, or how can the game be changed even more to change their minds…or do we care. Discuss.

  • Zainub wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 3.39 pm

    Population shouldn’t be a problem from where I’m seeing it, India is one of the largest nations in the world, and Pakistan’s also got one of the fastest growth rate in Asia, we would expect a lot of imigrants from the sub-continent …

    As a matter of fact … if anything there might be minor problem of over popluation!

  • Wraye wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 10.47 pm

    no, no probs Zainub. We invade the subcontinent with bats and fast bowlers and politely invite non-cricketing fans to leave. When we run out of room, we invade Australia. We might then have to move Warne, the Don and Miller around in the cabinet, but if we keep SW away from mobile phones, all will be well.

  • Zainub wrote:
    November 9th, 2005 at 10.52 pm

    Invasions, Wraye? I’m afraid I’m a peace loving person, and I don’t like the idea of invasions, perhaps as an alternative we can think about creating new man made islands if the need arises. That would be cool.

  • Will wrote:
    November 10th, 2005 at 12.11 am

    You’re all forgetting something fairly crucial.

    I. Am. King

    :)

  • Hammy wrote:
    November 10th, 2005 at 12.23 am

    My suggestion is that Cricketland be widely known as “Australia”. Bradman should be the father figure, old Shep could be the Speaker of the House, Dickie Bird should be the Chief Justice, Hansie Cronje Minister for Corruption, Shane Warne have some posting for sex education, Botham for drug education, Javed Miandad and Dennis Lillee for Foreign Minister in light of their lovely negotiating skills, etc.

    King, hmmm. Cricketland should be an egalitarian society - professionals and amateurs are welcome.

  • Abraham wrote:
    November 10th, 2005 at 6.48 am

    Wait a min ! Sheperd wud make a better chief Justice dont u think ? Dont think the South
    Africans should handle the law… just in case they get obessed with the races again ! Hey,just joking ! And nope I wudnt advice we name it Australia. That is far fetched considering that India is the country with the largest number of cricketers and fans or that cricket is growing fast in the Africas and the Europe ! And of course Ashes is still fresh in the memory !
    Guess wot guys, they’re planning to sow the seeds of the game, even as far as Russia. Recently read about a subtle version of the game played in Moscow, where people take turns to bat and are forced to retire after they score a certain number of runs, so that everyone get to try a hand. But sadly the teams were all Aussies, Indians and Englishmen. They’re planning to make it an annual event. Hopefully, next time around, a few communists will develope sum interest in the game. I was really encouraged to see the Hong Kong China team. They were mostly chinese, which is a very good sign. Sad that the USA was full of Jamaicans. Well, they’re gonna to do some marketing kind of a thing in the USA. Lets hope it works.
    And hey tell me, wot wud be Tendulkar’s department in cricketland ??? We’ll put Ganguly back in the kinder garten ! Let Stephen Fleming and Atapattu handle Disaster Management & Reconstruction ! That’ll help them I’m sure. But I’m sure u’ll agree that Lou Vincent and Tilakaratne Dilshan can be offered the vacation they’ve truly earned !!!
    wot say guys ???

  • Wraye wrote:
    November 10th, 2005 at 8.04 am

    Right, first we raise Atlantis, then we create thousands of ficticious titles so everyboby gets some post or other. We make Will king and address him as “Your Grace”.

    vital question:
    Do we get free beer, Your Grace?

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